I've been this way ever since :sob:
A little boy wants something.
So was a wee lad, I had this habbit; I don't know how it came about but; Whenever I wanted something,
I'd take somebody else's hand and use that to take what I wanted. I'd use my father's hand or whoever's
hand I'd reach. I forgot that concept and was only reminded of it by my mother some few years ago.
Naturally I brushed it off, but recently I discovered that I didn't actually grow out of it,
I actually did quite the oposite, I grew into it, or rather perfected the art
you see; nowadays when I want something or when I want to do something I tell it to someone near me.
Mostly it's my brother, or I ask someone's opinion on what I'm going to do.
Then I do the thing, or when I am about to do something, I don't just do it, no
I have to convince myself that it's actually worthwhile
of course maybe that's because I'm introverted but whatever
But really, how did I come to be this way.
Introverted.
You see I came to realise recently that I am extremely introverted. What does this have to do with
anything I hear you ask; Well it has something to do with everything really. As an extremely
introverted being, I am very socially anxious. I don't like doing things that'll make me look
stupid or stand out. I also love excuses, like I said earlier, I like doing justified things.
If what I did was not justified then I'll feel terrible, I'll feel like I just wasted time.
The other connected reason is, because I am a heavy overthinker; I'll think that maybe I just
made the worst decision of my life, maybe there was a better way of doing it.
African family
Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that, all African children hate making decisions; No
I don't know, maybe, I could be wrong, dammit my overthinker is kicking in. But what I mean is
that; we don't really make much decisions. Mostly because all of it is made for you, to be honest
I have never really had a problem with it, well most of the time, like 20% of the time.
Sometimes of course it irks me; like the time they sent me to this school in the middle of
after tricking me into believing that they actually sending me into another one, the one I actually
wanted. Also them picking the clothes I'd wear when we went to church, or them judging my selection,
I mean how do you expect me to know how to do that if I don't get the chance to do that mom ?
And don't even get me started on the romantic intrest the standards are absurd, like mom I get it
you hate Kikuyu's.
Also I never had a girl like the good boy I was so don't ask me about my love life when I was still
young.
Strict parents.
Also my parents are very religious, so naturally they were very strict.
They ehem criticize whatever stupid thing we did, I don't have anything against them for this
but really, that made me very not confident in whatever decisions I would ever go to make,
even something as simple as deciding the type of notebook to buy. I only did this to get her
approval, and some could argue that I am still doing the same.
Advantages to this.
Of course not having confidence in decesion making comes with a lot of disadvantages,
but since I've stuck to it for this long. There could be some things that made me stay.
The first of it being a piece of mind; now this might sound like I'm coping
because I am but when you do something especially as an introverted guy
and get done with it knowing that it was justified, the peace just hits different.
Of course in the long run you're going to snap out of the bubble, and you're going
to feel lost kinda like what I'm experiencing now, but enjoy it while it last I guess.
The second is that I'm very good at following instructions, I have a clean record in school
which I don't quite know how to feel about, but well that is that. I won't go any deeper.
The last one, the list wasn't that long bruh, is I am a very good errand boy,
that's why I am my mom's favourite.
Now the disadvantages.
I won't list a lot of them, well coz my hands are burning now out of all the typing I just did.
I'm just a baby.
I am very hackable, as long as someone is logical I end up doing what they tell me, same reason
I am about to learn x64 Assembly, simply because some guy online said all programmers should.
I also panic when someone is not explicit about what they asked me to do. Also the reason why I
love computers, and another reason I am about to love Assembly, like I need you to be painfully explicit,
even about what I should do after doing that which you just decided for me.
I am a joy to work with tee-hee